The Long-Awaited Chronicles of the Tough & Busty

You look real mature, like 27...

2006-08-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

This woman hit me with a towel because she asked for a "hand towel" and out of our selection of washcloths and bath towels I opted to give her the washcloth. She also found me incompetent because we didn't have douche.

I worked two shifts, tried to sleep, got up and went to my local Target. There I was persusing the discount shower curtains, lamenting the fact they had no $3.00 ones like I found a few months back (Note: $3 shower curtains tend to leak their colors when wet). A man was wandering through the aisles wailing. Of course he spotted me. Said he needed help. He was depressed. Was I qualified?, he asked. I said, "I'm not the target counselor." He said he needed advice. What kind I said. Good advice. Good advice about what? Life decisions. (Now I don't know about you guys, but I'm not sure the clearance shower curtain aisle at Target is the place for life decision advice)
Well, I don't think he needed my advice. Because then he wanted to know where I stayed and if I dated black guys (as he was). Are you serious with your boyfried? Are you faithful (nice try). He asked how old I was because I looked really mature, like 27. Eventually he tried to match a shower curtain to my (white) bathroom and took off.
Note to guys - crying about your depression to strangers in Target should not be used in conjunction with pick up lines.

Apples & Oranges

2006-01-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

Mr. _____,

I apoligize for not returning your call. I have been quite busy. I do appreciate your attempts, but I didn't realize the matter needed discussion. I just wanted to leave you a suggestion. I thought it was odd you didn't have veggie burgers because they were at every other Applebees I've been to. But this was my first time since I moved to Illinois so I guess things are different out here. Thank you for your consideration.

Kim _____

Applebees is Stalking Me

2006-01-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

Ms. Kim _____,

I am the Area Director for the Applebees location that you requested the return of the ‘Veggie burger’. I would like to discuss this with you at your convenience. I have left a message with you on your answering machine. I am attempting to reach you via email at this time. Please reach me if you’d like as this is my last attempt in regards to getting a hold of you.

Sincerely,

Jason _____

Area Director

Applebees

(phone number deleted)

Open Letter to the Downstairs Neighbor

2005-10-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

DEAR JESUS FAN WHO LIVES DOWNSTAIRS FROM ME:
I can smell your marijuana. It smells quite potent. And if I can smell it, I bet other people can smell it too. Please don't burn down our apartment with your marijuana-smoking.

Love, The girl upstairs not smoking up

PS Please do not leave your Jesus pamphlets in my door knocker either.
PSS Dont blame the aftermath of your parties in the laundry room on unnamed "hoodlums". It was you and I know it.