"Courtesy" Call

Recently there's been a huge influx of telemarketers and wrong numbers calling. Discovercard alone calls at least 3 times per day, every day. Rich says it's no big deal and I should just ignore them, however when I'm expecting a call and I drop what I'm doing only to be offered free 30-day enrollment in the payment protection plan...I feel like killing people. So today, the phone rings, they ask for Rich & I inform them he's at work. "Can I take a message so he can call you back," I ask. "No thank you Ma'am, this is a courtesy call," is the reply. What the fuck?!? A COURTESY? You are doing me a courtesy by interrupting my busy day 500 friggin' times? Wow. Gotta love euphemisms.

its a darn shame

apparently no one makes helmets for cats. they really should, because my cats are really stupid. but googling "cat helmet" gets you a really funny picture of a cat with an orange on its head

Won't you be my neighbor?

A side effect of moving is new neighbors. I have one. If y'all are from Borders you'll know what I mean when I say she's a cross between Maria & Krista. She introduced herself to me as I was carrying in my boxes. "Hi I'm Laurie. I have a dog, her name is Julie." Awesome. Then she told me about her disease, her surgeries, and that she was off to get a shot and held up the ziploc bag of syringes and elixers to prove it. She asked where I moved from, I told her, and she gave me a dirty look and snorted. I asked her to repeat her name so I could remember it and she repeated both her and her dog's name to me. I told her my boyfriend Rich was also moving in, which was met with another dirty look, snort, and "I don't care, You can do what you want."

So...45 seconds into our neighborly relationship I learned all about her dog, her medical history, and her dissaproval of my lifestyle. This is gonna be super.

Someone told me the Colbert Report was a parody of Fox "News"'s the o-reilly factor. While he makes my skin crawl, I flipped it on for a minute to see if it was true. Well, in the one minute I could tolerate I learned he believes it's Muslim Americans' patriotic duty to put up with racial profiling.

In related news, mr. o-reilly is smoking crack. but we knew that already.

Please Don't Pass Gas During Dinner

I have another client who is delightfully goofy. He always covers his face with a towel whenever he leaves the room. I asked him why and he told me that he could not protect his sense of smell from being compromised. Well, sometimes one needs to take action against unpleasant odors. Before meals he will say "Attention, attention. Please, nobody pass gas during dinner." It is good advice for all.

You look real mature, like 27...

I am a crazy person magnet! Seriously. I just spent 16 LONG hours at work, which entailed countless grievances. This bitch who I'd really like to punch in the head hit me with a towel because she asked for a "hand towel" and out of our selection of washcloths and bath towels I opted to give her the washcloth. She also found me incompetent because we didn't have douche. Then I spent many hours following a guy around who would sleep for five minutes, get up, start cursing, run into other patients' rooms and get in bed with them. He would alternate between saying what a bitch I was and "Come back here baby, Hey bo", and making kissy faces. Then he had the audacity to say I had been trying to flirt with him all night.
Anyway, that much all comes with the territory. You just need a sense of humor about it to keep yourself sane. Fast forward a few hours though. I worked two shifts, tried to sleep, got up and went to my local Target. There I was persusing the discount shower curtains, lamenting the fact they had no $3.00 ones like I found a few months back (Note: $3 shower curtains tend to leak their colors when wet). A man was wandering through the aisles wailing. Of course he spotted me. Said he needed help. He was depressed. Was I qualified?, he asked. I said, "I'm not the target counselor." He said he needed advice. What kind I said. Good advice. Good advice about what? Life decisions. (Now I don't know about you guys, but I'm not sure the clearance shower curtain aisle at Target is the place for life decision advice)
Well, I don't think he needed my advice. Because then he wanted to know where I stayed and if I dated black guys (as he was). Are you serious with your boyfried? Are you faithful (nice try). He asked how old I was because I looked really mature, like 27. Eventually he tried to match a shower curtain to my (white) bathroom and took off.
Note to guys - crying about your depression to strangers in Target should not be used in conjunction with pick up lines.

Things to Ponder

Proposed state slogan: Illinois, land of "pop" and washrooms

It still cracks me up every time I hear a local refer to soda as "pop". It never fails. I always chuckle to myself. I guess I'm easily amused.

I'm definitely easily amused... My two new fave terms, courtesy of my sex offender treatment class: "flying vagina syndrome" and "being gay for the state".

Flying Vagina Syndrome: when sex offenses happen by 'accident'
"Gee, I was just sitting there and next thing I know she was on my penis, i didn't mean to..."

Being Gay for the state: gay sex in prison (fairly obvious I guess)
"Nah I don't do men anymore, I was just being gay for the state"

Even more amusing... Somebody is trying to pick a MySpace fight with me. How lame is that??? It's a very passive-aggressive, 'I'm gonna leave an indirect nasty comment on my boyfriend's page and hope you notice it' thing. And makes her away message "I'm going to punch you in the face"... Funny thing is, I don't ever check AIM anyway. Now her friend is also leaving an indirect fighting words comment on her boyfriend's page. The sad part? They are 28 and 32 years old and one is a parent! Grow up! I feel like I should grab all my friends and meet her and all her friends outside the playground.

I had to see old balls last night at work. Gross.

Apples & Oranges

Mr. _____,

I apoligize for not returning your call. I have been quite busy. I do appreciate your attempts, but I didn't realize the matter needed discussion. I just wanted to leave you a suggestion. I thought it was odd you didn't have veggie burgers because they were at every other Applebees I've been to. But this was my first time since I moved to Illinois so I guess things are different out here. Thank you for your consideration.

Kim _____

Applebees is Stalking Me

Ms. Kim _____,

I am the Area Director for the Applebees location that you requested the return of the ‘Veggie burger’. I would like to discuss this with you at your convenience. I have left a message with you on your answering machine. I am attempting to reach you via email at this time. Please reach me if you’d like as this is my last attempt in regards to getting a hold of you.

Sincerely,

Jason _____

Area Director

Applebees

(phone number deleted)